grappling with freedom

Busy day. I started a new class today and think it will be good. As usual, critical thinking (Translate---applying theory you don't understand to subject matters you're not clear on and trying to make it sound like you know what you're talking about! YIKES!) will be a challenge ...MUCH easier to do logical thinking! But I am looking forward to others' viewpoints as we get into a variety of subjects. Did I make any obvious strides towards 'the other side of freedom'? Not to my eyes...more an invisible walk of going in the right direction without seeing what's in front of me.

The evenings, when everything stops and the silence is deafening, are the hardest. I so feel like I'm in the mist of a fog within the freedom of having my own life back and not knowing how to live it. Even when shopping last night with the simple task of providing a lunch I was lost...and ended up with a handful of groceries and a promise underneath my breath that eventually I would know what to buy and to be patient with the process. I am reminded of Viktor Frankl's writings in his book, "Man's Search for Meaning" with regard to the prisoners being freed from Auschwitz at the end of the war .

" 'Freedom'---we repeated to ourselves, and yet we could not grasp it. We had said this word so often during all the years we dreamed about it, that it has lost its meaning. Its reality did not penetrate into our consciousness; we could not grasp the fact that freedom was ours. We came to meadows full of flowers. We saw and realized they were there, but we had no feelings about them. The first spark of joy came ... . But it remained only a spark; We did not yet belong to this world." ~p.109

Truthfully, in all the years of eyeing being free, I wasn't aware it wouldn't be a natural fit at first; nor aware how sharply my senses would be to the pain of the empty that was left in the wake. Yet my comfort was and still is the assurance of knowing that even though my arrival is later in life, it's not too late and I can still find where I belong. As my scripture of the day pointed out..."Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you;..." ISA 46:4.

OK, so I'm not full of grey hairs (thanks to a good gene pool!) BUT the message is still very clear...it's not too late to start out late in life with pursuing hopes, dreams, relationships, and for a even more meaningful life.