photography

Photography has been a passion of mine since I shot my first roll of film at age 18 with a Kodak Instamatic. It was a way to 'feel' and get in touch with what I had buried so deeply; one of the few ways I felt alive within all the years of feeling dead inside. I believe it was a gift I was given, to be able to open up once again. For a long time, my words never really came out in the right way yet I found as soon as I starting taking photographs, I was able to express what I was really feeling; a wonderful release from the silence I lived in.

To photograph my surroundings is a good way for a time out, a way to 'breathe' again, to really see, and even for later to reflect on what lessons were learned at the time, or what new beauty was discovered. I took photographs of a vineyard once, before the leaves came out. As I shot close-ups, it was the first time I realized the vines, especially the older ones, were like miniature driftwood with intricate details and twists and turns of age in their bark. Wonderful! Or there was the time I was walking along a waterway as the sun was rising, and its rays stretched out across the water touching me. I would try to walk faster, run from it, but the ray stayed on me always keeping a warm touch on my shoulder...an uncanny reminder of the warmth of the Son and how He's always with us, no matter what our speed. This happened during one of my really black times and was a strong reminder of that warmth which was not only captured on a photo but held inside to be revisited many times over--- the reminder of His closeness, the beauty of the moment.

Yet at times my photographs catch the realities of sadness and difficulty of life...a glimpse into others struggles and lives. A snapshot of destruction also in a way the proverbial '1000 words' would fall short. The industry that has died out, or the earth that is too dead to grow, or the poverty that some live in. I am sometimes taken aback at what I captured without even knowing I had. Yet am thankful to be sobered and able to reflect on where new life is needed, new hope; and to have reason to push forward and find avenues to be a part of the solution. It is an encourager to be a part of something bigger. I am reminded of what John F. Kennedy said in his inaugural address, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."

When photographing people, it is truly heartwarming to capture the expressions of life, of conversations, of life-time moments, of reunions, of pure unadulterated joy in living, frozen in time. To capture the wonder in the expression of little ones seeing their new world with wide-eyed wonder. There is such an innocence and freshness that reminds me of how I need to see things, and to appreciate the lives and living all around. And as I've seen many of my friends do, it is also a way to stay connected in the heart to a loved one that has passed away. I ran across one such photo of one of my friends the other day and within seeing her smile and joke around in the photo, I was able to smile too and share that memory, the pain wasn't so bad anymore and to be able to see her and remember the good times was a gift of warmth and appreciation.

It's been years since I took that first roll of film, and many times I do not have a camera on me, yet still see the world through a lens, always framing or capturing a picture in my mind. It's been great to share others points of views in their photography also, as we all see with a different eye and it all tells a part of the story. It is something I would encourage everyone to do at one time or another. Even if you have to borrow a camera, spend a few hours just looking through the lense and seeing what you can see. It might really surprise you.

09/11

In Remembrance (from Isaiah)

He sent me to preach good news to the poor, heal the heartbroken ... God sent me to announce the year of his grace— a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies—and to comfort all who mourn, To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion, give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes, Messages of joy instead of news of doom, a praising heart instead of a languid spirit. Rename them "Oaks of Righteousness" planted by God to display his glory. They'll rebuild the old ruins, raise a new city out of the wreckage. They'll start over on the ruined cities, take the rubble left behind and make it new. ~Isaiah 61:1-7

grappling with freedom

Busy day. I started a new class today and think it will be good. As usual, critical thinking (Translate---applying theory you don't understand to subject matters you're not clear on and trying to make it sound like you know what you're talking about! YIKES!) will be a challenge ...MUCH easier to do logical thinking! But I am looking forward to others' viewpoints as we get into a variety of subjects. Did I make any obvious strides towards 'the other side of freedom'? Not to my eyes...more an invisible walk of going in the right direction without seeing what's in front of me.

The evenings, when everything stops and the silence is deafening, are the hardest. I so feel like I'm in the mist of a fog within the freedom of having my own life back and not knowing how to live it. Even when shopping last night with the simple task of providing a lunch I was lost...and ended up with a handful of groceries and a promise underneath my breath that eventually I would know what to buy and to be patient with the process. I am reminded of Viktor Frankl's writings in his book, "Man's Search for Meaning" with regard to the prisoners being freed from Auschwitz at the end of the war .

" 'Freedom'---we repeated to ourselves, and yet we could not grasp it. We had said this word so often during all the years we dreamed about it, that it has lost its meaning. Its reality did not penetrate into our consciousness; we could not grasp the fact that freedom was ours. We came to meadows full of flowers. We saw and realized they were there, but we had no feelings about them. The first spark of joy came ... . But it remained only a spark; We did not yet belong to this world." ~p.109

Truthfully, in all the years of eyeing being free, I wasn't aware it wouldn't be a natural fit at first; nor aware how sharply my senses would be to the pain of the empty that was left in the wake. Yet my comfort was and still is the assurance of knowing that even though my arrival is later in life, it's not too late and I can still find where I belong. As my scripture of the day pointed out..."Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you;..." ISA 46:4.

OK, so I'm not full of grey hairs (thanks to a good gene pool!) BUT the message is still very clear...it's not too late to start out late in life with pursuing hopes, dreams, relationships, and for a even more meaningful life.

09 09 09

It is harder than one might think, living a life of 'healthy' after years of not so much! There is an 'empty' that wasn't taken care of that now needs filled. After 45+ years, that will be a real challenge, especially combined with 'empty nest' syndrome. I've prayed, and let it go, asked God to fill the gaps and show me what to do within the waiting period. It will be interesting to see how He fills the void.

Today was hard to get through, especially within the silence of lack of being able to share as daily people-relationships aren't in place. This is the part that became so neglected while fighting the fight. So today I found myself typing constantly at check points, sometimes each hour on the hour to get through with my own conversation. I called a few friends to break the silence but none were available so walked and that helped. I unexpectedly ran into someone from work while on the walk and we had a chat which was really nice...it was my 'help' for the evening. I will be OK for tonight and I'll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow. Already, a bit of an answer.